According to Hugh Grant, Love, Actually, is all around but does saying, “I love you. I care”, actually make a blind bit of difference if your love and care aren’t expressed in your actions? 

In the last few weeks I’ve lost a parent under very difficult circumstances. I’ve also lost my dog, my ‘baby’, under even worse circumstances. It’s been an emotional and tortuous time; it’s also been a once-in-a-lifetime chance to turn crisis into opportunity. Let me explain…

On one side of the fence I’ve been told, “it’s only a dog, your parent is different”. On the other, “it might be a parent but your dog is much harder”. People have been kind; they’ve told me they’re thinking about me, which is nice to know, but does it make a difference to me on the ground, where it counts? Is ‘thinking’ about someone’s pain and distress whilst avoiding the emotional trenches really that helpful to the wounded soldier?

Expressing emotional pain and distress, openly, tends to be frowned upon; not because it’s ‘weak’ but because of the way it makes other people feel ‘weakened’. This is how it works…

When you lose what you love and express emotional pain openly, it brings other people into reality; it instantly reminds them of what they’ve loved and lost themselves and the pain it caused them.

As they emotionally connect with you, they emotionally connect with their pain and if their own pain hasn’t been processed out, it comes flooding back from below the surface like tsunami.

The only option is to push that emotion back down where it came from and the easiest way to do that is: shut you down. 

Shutting down emotional pain for the convenience of other people is something that’s learned in childhood. The more you’re shut down, the less you express in general and the harder it gets to ‘talk’ about the way you feel later in life.

Like it or not, emotional honesty is the heartbeat of life. It’s your drum and it’s also your primary energy source. The fuel that gets you through the day. The same fuel that food and exercise simply can’t provide. If your emotional pain is bottled up, your primary fuel will be too.

Bottled up pain weakens; even if, by birth, you’re emotionally strong. Bottled up pain also generates physical pain and can lead to pain killer addictions because the medicine just won’t work.

Bottled up emotional pain also affects mental health and is, more often than not (on the basis of my experience) the source of pain and stress related issues that science can’t cure and people have to manage. 

If negative emotions are bottled up, positive emotions can’t be fully expressed either. All in all, it’s a no win situation that only gets worse as you grow older and lose even more.

The fact is that pain is pain, hurt is hurt and heartbreak is heartbreak. It doesn’t matter how you’ve used the energy or who or what you’ve attached it to. Better to bend and let the dam over-flow now, than to wait for it to crack and to lose control later.

I’ve had to remember this week… no matter whom or what I love, the energy I use to love anything and everything is the SAME and that the energy of love doesn’t lie, or die, even when others do. 

Helen Wingstedt


Creating Healthy Energy

Let Your True-Self Lead


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